Reflection: "A Simple Pause."
Photography: RF._.studio
By Anonymous
"Two weeks ago, I decided to close my computer screen, switch my work phone off and take a 'simple pause'. Today, I resigned".
In reflection, that pause may just be the most important moment in my professional career.
–––
Around ten months ago, I was on a quest to find the perfect job. I had just returned from a long trip overseas and was ready to continue my dream of practicing law. Like any young professional, I was ready for a new and exciting challenge, willing to work hard and hungry for growth. If I wanted anything out of a prospective employer, it was a workplace focused on wellbeing, professional development and support for young practitioners like myself.
Before I knew it, I had been offered a position. I was thrilled. The wait was over, I would shortly put on my best corporate boss suit and I’d be on my way.
A month went by and I was enjoying the work, learning and being mentored by a very skilled technical Partner. Unfortunately, the cracks in Senior Management became more and more apparent as the days progressed.
At first, it was the aggressive language or tones, the lack of communication and the occasional inappropriate comment (a range of sexist, racist and discriminatory comments about other staff members, clients or even strangers on the street).
At times, I found myself laughing to fit in and brushing off these comments like it was no big deal (yet knowing that if these comments were spoken outside the walls of the office, I would be the first person to call it out). Each time was more and more soul destroying.
But like any recent graduate, I was taught to count my blessings, work hard and accept that “it is what it is”, despite knowing that it didn't feel right.
The behaviour continued. In fact, it was getting worse.
My friends and family tend to say that I see the good in everyone and try to make the best out of any situation. This quality can have its pros and cons. In this instance, I prayed that management had our best interests at heart, but in truth, that was never the case. It was a money making business and upholding the law – even in the walls of our own workplace – was not a priority.
Before I knew it, COVID19 hit, and like all Australians, we were sprung into the unknown. Industries shut down, jobs lost and complete uncertainty. The fear of ever finding a new job during a pandemic was real.
I decided to give myself a cut off day, promising myself that if the behaviour didn’t improve I would resign. I tried to refocus my energy on the work I was passionate about and count my lucky stars that I even had an income.
It was at this point I went into survival mode. I had to just get through each day one day at a time.
I was holding my breath, waiting for change. Looking for any glimpse of hope in what I knew was a troubled workplace.
As the weeks went on, I felt my mental health deteriorating, and so did my family and friends. They were worried, but knew that when I was ready to make the call I would. My boyfriend would tell me that on Fridays at 6pm, he got his girlfriend back for 48 hours until the dread on a Sunday night kicked in. Something I am not particularly proud of.
Turning off my computer at night was a relief, but as soon as the work morning came around, my whole persona changed.
I found that working from home during COVID actually placed extra pressure on the firm’s employees. There was this unspoken expectation that we were always available, whatever time, whatever day. The boundaries were blurred and the pandemic was being used as a way to instil fear into us all.
More and more, I knew this workplace was stripping me of who I was. I had no energy left to engage in positive, fulfilling or soul searching activities, because I was both physically and emotionally worn out. At times, I felt like the only adult in the workplace, trying to guide senior staff to do the right thing. That was not in my job description.
I started actively looking for other jobs, but the job market was looking grim (especially in Melbourne’s Stage 4 lockdown). Many recruiters were telling me “Don’t quit without another job, it’s not a good look”. This idea that it could tarnish my career haunted me. Yet, on the other hand, I had no energy to look for new opportunities due to the sheer exhaustion at night or the weekend, needing that time to try and switch off.
It wasn’t until my eldest sister called me that it all clicked. As I answered the phone trembling with tightness in my chest, she asked, “Why are you punishing yourself, what are you trying to prove?”. In that very moment I realised that my ethical and moral compass was so off balance, it was making me sick.
So instead of making any quick or emotional decisions, I decided to take a simple pause by removing myself from the environment.
Within the next hour I made the call to take immediate personal leave and I felt an instant release in my chest. This was not an easy decision and I feared my peers would judge me.
However, once I stepped away from simply existing, I truly understood that the workplace was riddled with unprofessional conduct, and that the behaviour I was enduring was unacceptable and, quite frankly, illegal.
The Outcome
Two weeks on my mental health has improved, including my daily routine, mindfulness, sleep and mental clarity, and I have more energy to put my best self forward and take advantage of new job opportunities aligned with my values. Not only do I have direction, but I have finally honoured my truth. After all, there is no way forward in life if we can't live truthfully.
Taking that simple pause led me to resign with an objective and clear mind, owning my decision to put my health, wellbeing and ethics first. A decision that was far more important than any gap in my CV will ever be.
For some, you may only need a few days, a week, maybe two. Whatever you are feeling, or whatever your circumstances are, taking a simple pause to step away, reset, refocus and let yourself be vulnerable enough to say “no more”, may just be the thing you are looking for.
It may be a simple reminder that you're neglecting your loved ones, your mental and physical health, or it may allow you to remember what you stand for and be brave enough to make the right decision.
The Lesson
There are many reasons I am grateful for this experience, and below are just a few:
1. For starting a deep fire in my heart of drive and determination to make a difference in the world
2. Being enlightened with a new understanding of how I want to serve others and the wider community
3. Understanding that what we do for a living is not who we are
4. Teaching me that sometimes the bravest decisions aren't always the easiest ones to make
5. To trust the unknown and trade the fear of the uncertain for freedom to thrive.
The most important lesson has been both simple and profound: if you are feeling uncomfortable, conflicted or unsafe, take a moment to be. Never feel guilty about taking time to pause to see a situation for what it is, away from the noise and the daily grind, because at the end of the day if we want anything to change in our world, it starts with us.