Why self-care is self-less; not selfish - a gentle reminder of the essence of life.


Written by Chantell Fellowes, Founder, Flow For Thought

It's ok to be sensitive, that's what happens when you have magic in your heart.

Imagine a version of you that know’s how to stand your ground, a you that pioneers and encourages others, a vibrant you who speaks up and moves confidently in the direction of your dreams. A you that know’s when enough is enough. A you that took the time for you to take it slow, to get into flow, knowing how to revitalise your soul.

A you that dresses the way you felt, in the colours that you exude and the textures of which your spirit dances.

A you that knows no boundaries restricted by fear.

Imagine witnessing a you fiercely unravelling these great wings that were once bound inside the cloth you wore on your back, a you that soars the skies of opportunity with your flock of dreamers flying right there with you. As you discover new heights and hidden caves in the mountain tops filled with jewels of light and love.

Imagine a you that is unapologetic in your kindness and your strength to say no! A you who is bold and brave in your ideas. A you that is supported by you, loved by you and then shares this light with others. A world where you are loved by you, is a world where you are loved for you. And if only you knew that this wonderful world waits for you.


My name is Chantell, I work specifically with people who want to change their thinking habits and release limiting beliefs buried deep in the unconscious mind. As you can imagine this is pretty awesome and life-changing stuff! So it is imperative that as a Healer, I am constantly upgrading my own 'mental & emotional software' so that I can be the best version of myself, for my clients.

What this means; is that I had to find what it is that I need in order to be happy and joyful within myself, which then ripples out into the people in my life and my career. If I am not confident, grounded and happy within myself then I simply cannot be confident, grounded and happy for others. What you believe about yourself on the inside, is what you manifest on the outside. It really is that simple!

But what is not so simple is knowing how to be consistent with your thinking habits and how to pick yourself up off the floor when you fall into self-loathing. Your thoughts become your reality and so it's important to be conscious of the thoughts you are breathing life into.And believe me, self-pity and getting caught in the vortex of a victim role is not the way to manifest the life your heart truly desires.

So, here we are talking about self-care and how this is one of the most selfless things you can do. I often hear the word 'selfish' when working with clients and I find it very interesting how conditioned we have become, as a society, to put others before ourselves. How dare we think about our own individual needs, happiness and self-care! (hehe)

Quite often, people feel unconsciously overcome with a feeling of selfishness. I wonder if you're thinking about whether being selfish sometimes is negative? Well, it depends on the intention, doesn’t it? Everything comes down to intention.

Think of it like this; Imagine you're a new client of mine. You come to me with an issue around self-love and are looking to inspire change within yourself. You come to my office, we sit down, drink some tea and begin to chat about your current challenges.

What makes you feel more confident in me as a facilitator of your change?

A. A coach who is insecure, who rambles about their anxieties and spills out with emotional toxicity?

B. A coach who is grounded, confident, stable, can hold space for you  and can ask the right questions to help guide you to self-realisations? 

Of course, the answer is B! And if you answered A, then maybe you do in fact need life coaching, please call me. 

The point here is that if I am not caring for myself and clearing my own stuff first, I cannot be the person I need to be for my clients. When I am most at peace with myself  I can hold space for others without it impacting my life negatively. And as a woman, it's a bit of a maternal, primal instinct within our biological make-up to put others first. Which is why it's important we manage our needs healthily.

Speaking of being selfish, I have also found the definition of selfish to be on the not-so-positive side. There should be another option in there, right?

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I would like to (for the sake of this article) rewrite this meaning to: 

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Now, of course, I know that selfishness can have its polarity, and there are 'self-serving' people who seek to only feed their ego's whilst being motivated by an agenda - but we are talking about the ‘Yang’ or the positive side to 'selfish' and that is caring for yourself first and foremost. 

It would be a shame to live in such a low vibrational reality. Would it not? Feeling bad for feeling bad, and then feeling worse for feeling selfish by thinking of ways to not feel bad. Argghhhhh what a paradox!

I had a client recently say to me "Spending money or time on myself feels really selfish" and straight away cut this thought to help her see why this kind of unconscious thinking is having an impact on her identity, self-love and her self-worth. When your self-worth is in trouble you can bet your bottom dollar that your internal state will feel just that, worthless. The good news is you can change your thinking and with commitment, find your worth! Once you really accept your worth, and all the wonderful things you are and deserve, self-love will follow. Then you will be propelled into a life full of joy, confidence, and LOVE. Love is the highest vibration in the universe, so living from here is what will bring you all of your hearts true desires.  

Self-care also tends to improve the immune system, it increases positive thinking and makes us less susceptible to lower vibrational feelings of stress, depression, anxiety, and other emotional health issues. Taking the time out to care for ourselves helps remind us and others that our needs are important, too.

“So, how do I bring self-care into my busy daily routine?” 

Before we go into the nitty-gritty, I would like you to first understand this; knowing how to care for your mind, your emotional needs and your body is the foundation to a confident and caring version of you. We all have the ability to love ourselves, and at the core of your very being is love. You are love. Yes Queen, you!

When you find you are not leading from love, you begin to lead with ego. (You are only human after all) And the way you talk to people is a projection of how you talk to yourself.      - Remember this the next time you speak ill of somebody, it could really help you understand your own internal dialogue.  

I cannot stress this enough; your reality is dependent on your internal state. How you live inside, is what you create for yourself on the outside. 

Each year, 2 million Australians suffer from anxiety and with this increasing, it's important for you to know self-care, especially at work! Your job is where you spend most of your time and so it’s helpful to know how to carry your self-love into the workplace.

Photography: Genessa Panainte

Photography: Genessa Panainte


~ Mind-set tools for your self-love toolbox ~

I encourage you to carry things with you that promote joy, peace, and love.

Here are some essential items that I like to carry in my self-love toolbox whilst in the office or on the go:

  • Lemon Myrtle, Peppermint or Lemon Grass Essential oil for awakening and refreshing the mind (I use a roll on or mist but you can also just smell it for the same effect)

  • A journal. This is so important for increasing EQ (emotional intelligence) by being able to journal on your lunch break or the train home.

  • Crystals. A great tool for channeling all the good stuff! Each day I start my day with an intention choosing a high frequency crystal to have with me, followed by an affirmation.

Here are some examples of these;

Rose Quartz "Today I choose love, to give love and to receive love" fosters empathy, reconciliation, and forgiveness of others. Lowering stress and tension in the heart, Rose Quartz clears out anger, jealousy, and resentment of others, and allows healing of heart.

Amethyst "Today I choose to be calm and balanced" Amethyst crystal is primarily associated with balancing the crown chakra and healing.

Black Tourmaline "Today I choose to transmute any negative energy into positive energy. I am protected and loved." Black tourmaline is not only powerful and protective, it's also a beautiful stone that can bring you joy, love, confidence, and good health.

Moon Stone "Today I choose to be gentle with myself." A wonderful stone of soothing, feminine energy. Calming and brightening the emotions, it helps to improve the wearer's self-image. It reminds one of our own worth and divinity, and it invokes sensuality and gentle passion.

Photography: Camilla Pihl

Photography: Camilla Pihl

~ Body tools for your self-love toolbox ~

Ayurveda Medicine!! The miracles of Earth's plants. We live on an incredibly fertile planet with medicine literally growing out of the ground - embrace it!

Start loving your body by reducing the number of chemicals you put into it that may affect you on a physiological level. My top tips for natural remedies are:

  • Cardomon If you suffer brain strain like me (aka occasional headaches) eat one or two Cardomon pods instead of paracetamol - it does the same thing! It’s magic. 

  • Cinnamon Oil love your flow, and by flow, I mean blood flow. For cold hands and feet - rub cinnamon oil on them to give them some love and increase circulation. Cinnamon oil with heat it up!

  • Sandalwood  This incredible tree gives us a sap which turns into oil that not only acts an anti-aging ingredient, it smells amazing too! Our skin is the biggest organ which needs a lot of TLC - I make my own skin creams with sandalwood oil and it’s so nourishing. 

Finally, daily rituals:

This is a time where you do something for YOU. It can be anything, if it makes you feel connected to yourself then that's all that matters. Some things I encourage my clients to do are:

  • Meditation / Yoga 

  • A five-minute morning visualisation 

  • Smudging, and of your space to neutralise energy & your environment

  • Self-love affirmations 

  • Podcasts that empower you 

  • Reading 

  • Gratitude journals

When you learn to love yourself, nothing else matters and life becomes so magical because you are making room for the things you love and that make you feel good. That's where your flow should be, direct your energy into yourself and then you can share that with the world. 

I would just like to sign off with this as some flow for thought:

The biggest gift you can give this world is the best version of you. You simply cannot solve any of your problems with the same kind of thinking that created them. So change your thinking and your problems will change. When you learn to love all the light and dark parts of yourself, you will learn to love life itself!

Thank you for reading! Much love x 

Chantell Fellowes

Chantell Fellowes

Founder of @flowforthought, and children's author of self-love books @littlelotusbooks Chantell dedicates her life to helping people understand the truth of who they really are. As a healer, she fuses together modern mindset techniques with ancient spiritual beliefs to help guide clients inward to uncover, let go and move forward from negative emotions hindering spiritual and emotional growth. Her research has helped people align with their rightful path of happiness and solitude whilst giving them the tools to cope with change and conflicts for the future.

Sarah Fritz